F*ck The Pain Away

I went to a Peaches gig last night. I'd never seen her live before, and I was not disappointed. It was a guitar-tossing, bra-waving, drumstick-twirling, nipple-squirting, arm-wrestling, slam-dancing, knicker-dropping (4 pairs IN ONE TRACK!), glam-rocking, crowd-surfing, ass-kicking night of funness.

Peaches looks like the result of a dirty night of lovin’ between a 70s wrestler and a Vegas stripper – she’s all silver hotpants, hot pink capes and sequinned brassieres. Her band, Herms (an abbreviation of Hermaphrodites, obviously) were also hilarious especially the two boyish guitar/keys who seemed to be at their frontwoman’s beck and call when it came to all sorts of hijinks (80s glam makeup/patty cake/push ups/slam dancing/arm wrestling/dry humping etc).

There are some pics here.

Opening act Macromantics was pretty damn hot too.

Good Things Come To Good People...

... And Alcohol Comes To Alcoholics.

A friend/former colleague/object of lust moved overseas last week, and in packing up all her worldy possessions told me thus: "I have some leftover alcohol and for some reason I thought of you." I'm not sure what she meant by that, but hey, I'll take what I can get.

The Absinth & Cointreau have yet to be opened, the other two are half-full. Unfortunately I can't drink Black Sambuca due to a late-90s incident, however I'm sure it won't go to waste given my circle of acquaintences.

Inane Song Lyrics (First in a Series) (Maybe)

I heard a song yesterday of which the lyrics were just plain silly. It brought to mind a number of other songs which include silly lyrics.

Intergalactic (Beastie Boys)

The Beasties go cannibal...

"If you try to knock me you'll get mocked
I'll stir fry you in my wok"

GirlBoy (Magic Dirt)

Lunchtime snack rules the world!...

"Makes me feel cool when I'm in control
Of the power you dish out like a salad roll"

(this line is preceded by “Makes me feel cool when I say your name, Especially now when I masturbate”)


On The Radio (Regina Spektor)

She rhymes Bees! With Knees! Original!...

"A million ancient bees
Began to sting our knees
While we were on our knees
Praying that disease
Would leave the ones we love
And never come again"

There are, of course, many, many others. Serial offenders include the likes of Gwen Stefani, Shakira et al. This may just become a regular series. If, indeed, this becomes a regular blog.

Spice Up My Life

This weekend I had the pleasure of watching Spiceworld - the Spice Girl's Movie. I first saw the film a number of years ago with my young (female) cousins who knew all the words to the entire film, soundtrack and all the dancemoves. The next time I saw the film was at a girly sleepover movie night when we watched other girly classics like Dirty Dancing and Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. It had been a number of years since I'd viewed Spiceworld, and I'd almost forgotten just how good it is.

Before seeing their film I wasn't a fan of the Spice Girls . I thought they were the worst example of a contemptuous music industry grinding out manufactured nonsense for what they thought the market would consume. I first watched the movie against my will, when it was the only way to keep my young cousins quiet one night when I was babysitting them. The antics of these young girls, singing and dancing along to the ridiculous movie won me over.

Spiceworld really is a ridiculous movie, and it changed my opinon of the Spice Girls. The film is a pisstake, a parody of the highest degree with the Girls mercilessly taking the piss out of themselves, their music, their industry, their peers, the film trade, and their lives in general. Essentially the film covers a few days in the lives of the Spice Girls at the height of their fame, with the Girls playing themselves and thus perhaps not having to act too much. Victoria Beckham, aka Posh Spice, does a particularly good job of taking the piss out of her character. There are A-list cameos from the likes of Elton John, Roger Moore, Jennifer Saunders, Bob Geldof, Meatloaf and Barry Humphries and apparently much of the film was ad-libbed. It is camp, it is silly and it is so nice to see performers who don't take themselves or their careers too seriously.

Spiceworld was produced nearly ten years ago but thanks to the ridiculous costumes and the soundtrack (like it or not many Spice Girls tracks are now considered pop classics) the film has aged particularly well. It was also interesting to note that Scary Spice (Mel B) is totally HOT! How did I not notice this before?? All in all Spiceworld is a top film - funny, silly and surprisingly entertaining.

Spam

I am not a fan of Spam (either kind) and will usually go to great* lengths to avoid it. However this little gem arrived last week which just couldn't go unnoticed...

----- Original Message -----
From: Jean
Sent: Thursday, April 27, 2006 8:29 PM
Subject: Quicker Recharges

Hello!

I am ready to kill myself and eat my dog, if medicine prices here (http://dodgywebaddress.com**) are bad.

Look, the site and call me 1-800 if its wrong..
My dog and I are still alive :)

Gold, no?

* or, you know, regular lengths.

** not a real web address, so don't bother

Sam Newman is a Knob

Last night I had the displeasure of catching about twenty minutes of The Footy Show (AFL version). I have watched this show sporadically in the past but hadn't seen it for a few years and this of course was my first experience of the new Eddie-less incarnation. I can't say I particularly like new hosts Gary Lyon or John Thwaites James Brayshaw but it's that tool Sam Newman who really gets my goat*.

It's common knowledge that Sam Newman is a tosser but I found watching him last night to be so totally and utterly offensive that I would liked to have hurt him. I am not a violent person but I wouldn't mind giving him a smack in the kisser. Within ninety seconds he had managed to demean gays (three times), the mentally disabled, women and the entire population of Sydney. His sleazy, dirty old man act is just plain creepy and he doesn't seem to realise just how pathetic he is.

I rarely let such trivialities offend me but the degree of this man's homophobia, sexism and general stupidity has hit a nerve. I cannot believe that Channel Nine allows this sort of behaviour from its 'personalities' and I can't believe the stupidity of the Australian viewing public for allowing him to get away with it for so long. I guess appealing to the lowest common denominator really does pay.

Would someone please punch him in the nutsack. Now. Ta.




* I don't really have a goat but if I did I wouldn't be letting Sam bloody Newman anywhere near it.

Home is where the Shelter Shed is

I'm back.

Look at you now! My how you've grown! etc etc

A lady never offers excuses and neither shall I.

So did you miss me?

...Yeah, thought so...

Things That Suck, etc.

I have just returned from a week in Canberra. To celebrate my return from the Nation's Capithole I have devised a list of 'Things That Suck (Today)':

• I am at work
• My girlfriend is at the pub
• She is using her mobile phone to send me photos of beer
  Sweet Sweet Beer
• Soon we are will have to separate for six months
  Yo that's right! SIX MONTHS!

That is all. For now.

Don't Drop The Soap

Every now and then there comes along an article in the Serious Paper that makes me laugh out loud.

Today it was this little gem from the Queensland Premier, suggesting the bananabenders shower together in order to conserve water. Ingenious idea! In fact I think we should make it law. I know that there isn’t much that gets the Significant Other in the mood (nudge, wink etc) more than a nice soapy shower together. Really there's nothing better - get clean and get some ALL AT THE SAME TIME!

A shower, yesterday.

Although I do feel slightly sorry for those Without Partner. Not only are their beds cold and lonely in these long winter nights, but they are doomed to feel the guilt of all those litres lost to showering alone. I look forward to hearing of the first marriages of (water-saving) convenience.

I’m a little concerned, however, that Premier Beattie seems to think that singing in harmony will also save water.

I think it's important that to conserve water people shower
together and they sing in harmony," Mr Beattie said.

While it may qualify me as a contestant in this year’s series of Australian Idol, I can’t hold a tune to save my life. I hope this doesn’t mean that I’m destined to be a water-wasting Wally forever. I don't think I can live with the guilt.

One For The Diary.

Put November 9 in your diary. In pen.
It's IBS Day. A worthy cause.

It's French For Yuck

I have just been at the stupermart. In my perusals of the yoghurt fridge I discovered several new flavours. Let me share some of them:

• Banana Choc Split
• Mocha Cream
• 'Mad About Cheesecake'
• Sweet Pink Grapefruit
• Watermelon

You know, if I wanted to hurl I'd stick my fingers down my throat.

Shazam! Gets a Clue: Blogging Etiquette (and a bunch of rhetorical questions)

I’m new to this blogging caper. Obviously. I’m not too hip to the customs of the culture. I’m no computer nerd.

“Really?!” I hear you shout.

Like many, I read blogs and have done for some time. There are even a few that I view religiously. And I’d like to link to them. I have even figured out how to do so. My mother would be proud.

But is there a Blogging Code of Conduct that I need to follow? Is there an Essential Online Tome that I have somehow missed? Do I just go right ahead and link to my idols or do I need to let them know? If I were to inform the blogging goodnesses out there that I choose to link to their masterpiece on my little ole’ blog would they really give a shit? Are you sick of my rhetorical questions just yet?

I wouldn’t want to come off like some sycophantic starstruck fan ie. “Love your work, hope you don’t mind that I’ve linked to you”. And why would they mind? Surely they’d be glad of the publicity. And there’s sure to be a heap of traffic coming their way from my site. Isn’t there?! Huh?

Even worse, I don’t want to come across as “I’ve linked to you, now it’s your turn to link to me”. I can’t think of anything worse. I’ll recommend sites that have consistently made me laugh or think about things in a different way. Laugh mainly. I like the funnies. I’m not about to ask these clever and funny folks to add my site to their links. Treś uncool. The sites I like generally have an air of editorial integrity, they are written by people who are not afraid of speaking their minds and I’d hate to think that they are easily swayed by some crappy contra deal. And it doesn't get much crappier.

So... I'm just gonna link to ‘em and shut up about it. And if there's a problem with that, please let me know.


NOTE:
Will you, dear reader(s), think I’m simple if I admit I needed to look up the spelling of ‘etiquette’?

Free = Good. Usually.

I went to Wagamama on the weekend. I would not recommend it. As the Significant Other says, it’s McDonald’s with stainless steel.

I had previously avoided Wagamama not necessarily as a protest against Globalisation and World Domination by Chain Restaurants, but simply because I think we have such a diversity of wonderful Asian cuisine in Melbourne that it seems ridiculous to resort to a franchise for my ramen. However I was fortunate (?) enough to receive a free meal (including entrée and drinks!) courtesy of my cushy plush job where I get lots of free stuff. Not being one to turn down a free meal (including entrée and drinks!) I took the Significant Other along for a cheap date.

Neither of us were impressed. This was despite the free beer.

Free = Good.
Beer = Good.
Free + Beer = Wonderful.

We were informed by perky accented types that virtually no meals incorporating chicken were available, thus diminishing the menu by about half. Chicken would normally be my Protein of Choice at such an establishment, so on this occasion I went for a vegetarian option. It was flavourless and boring, even with my addition of lots of chilli powder & chilli oil (supplied on the table/bench. Also Free). The S.O. had a prawny affair resembling a laksa. It wasn’t up to scratch either although it did appear to have a decent amount of prawns garnishing the bowl. It was conveyor belt food and I don't mean the fun Sushi Train type.

Result: Avoid the multinational and visit your local Asian take away – the food will be more imaginative and flavoursome and you’ll get that nice warm feeling that stems from supporting your local economy.

Ps – I was ASStounded (yes, ASStounded) by the similarities between Wagamama and Chocolate Buddha. ASStounded. Same Same Not Much Different. Right down to the way Cute Waiters record orders on the paper table mats. Only real difference was the slightly more interesting atmosphere (trinkets on the walls, lighting, view etc) and lack of uniforms at C.B.

Blogging 101

Fig 1: Blogging for Beginners

Post Numero Uno

Being the first post, naturally this is a test...